Marked by Experiences

Dear V, Thank you for listening and for offering advice.

After some hesitancy, I spoke freely yesterday. Along my journey so far, I have had some experiences that have resulted in more inner turmoil than I do let on but I do see the results/after effects. For example, I am more timid - having lost my sense of confidence, I second guess myself a lot, I hesitate to make suggestions fearing a backlash, and I try very hard to show myself (and others) that I belong, to name a few. Initially, I chalked my reactions to these experiences up to my own sensitivities but after opening up to someone about them, I realised I was not imagining things and my feelings were justified. Micor-aggression and bullying is real, and comes dressed in many forms. Even though I am now seeing some changes in personality and the possibility of strengthening the relationship with R, let's just say one is forever changed by one's experiences; they do leave their mark on you. You are actually the second person to recommend me switching to or reaching out to L. Last summer, upon the advice of a well-meaning friend, I spent time researching potential profiles with a view to switching to EP, which seemed to better align with my path. I decided to continue year with the current situation and to re-evaluate at the end of the year. Ergo, I chickened out. I think some part of me is afraid and I do not feel confident enough to explore the idea of a new situation. I think of possible repercussions, real or imagined, whether or not I will be exposed to a similar or even more exhausting/negative environment and personality type, as well as funding - having not been successful at procuring my own funding from an external agency, despite numerous attempts.

I am at my half-way point and that part of me that says I should just hold my head down and survive is winning. It is challenging, not just the journey which does come with a fair amount of challenge. It is the environment which has brought this added sense of trepidation to an already arduous path.